mcsweeney’s did a “shakespearean guide to the 2016 republican primary” and i can’t stop laughing



Donald Trump
…there’s many a man hath more hair than wit.

Scott Walker
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!

Ted Cruz
I have no spur
To prick the sides of my intent, but only
Vaulting ambition, which o’erleaps itself
And falls on th’ other.

Mike Huckabee
The devil can cite scripture for his purpose.

George Pataki
[Enter Ghost]

Chris Christie
In the corrupted currents of this world
Offence’s gilded hand may shove by justice,
And oft ‘tis seen the wicked prize itself
Buys out the law.

Ben Carson
How well he’s read, to reason against reading!

Lindsey Graham
March on, march on, since we are up in arms,
If not to fight with foreign enemies,
Yet to beat down these rebels here at home.

Marco Rubio
I will praise any man that will praise me.

Carly Fiorina
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.

Rick Santorum
Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O, that he were here to write me down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass, though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass.

John Kasich
…those sparks of life
That should be in a Roman you do want,
Or else use not.

Bobby Jindal
…too low for a high praise, too brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise.

Rand Paul
My father’s love is enough to honor him. Enough.
Speak no more of him; you’ll be whipped for
taxation one of these days.

Rick Perry
A stony adversary, an inhuman wretch
Uncapable of pity, void and empty
From any dram of mercy.

Jeb Bush
Give me my robe. Put on my crown. I have
Immortal longings in me.

After the election: [Exit, pursued by a bear]

*standing O*